What's He Really Thinking?
What Your Husband Doesn't Always Say
By Ashley Neglia
AOL Health asked sex therapist and AOL Coach Ian Kerner, author of "Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again," to weigh in on what husbands keep from their wives and why they do it. Read on to find out what he really thinks about post-coital cuddling, guy time and more.
AOL Health: Why do men really need alone time with their guy friends?
Ian Kerner: We need our own independence. We need to hang out with people we knew before you who know a different side of us. We need to not necessarily be always on our best behavior. We want to act sophomoric and make stupid jokes. We want to curse and watch a B-movie with Eric Roberts. That leaves us feeling better about coming home and about being with you because we had a chance to recharge our individual battery. Not everything has to be about the relationship.
Continue reading the interview below or read this as text.
13 Lies All Men Tell
If a man denies having a wandering eye, refers to Brad Pitt's performance in "Legends of the Fall" as "cinematic genius" or professes to love wine and cheese parties as much as you, one of two things is happening: He's either gay or he's lying. AOL Health asked Elina Furman, author of "Kiss and Run," and Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The Sex-Starved Wife" and "The Sex-Starved Marriage" to weigh in on why men sometimes keep things from their partners and what that means for a relationship.
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My hair is as thick and as luxurious as the day I graduated high school.
Multiply the amount of time you spend staring at your pores by ten. That's how much some men obsess over their thinning manes. "Men don't want you to know about any of their vulnerabilities," says Weiner-Davis. "It's a sign of masculinity."
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I know you would never fake it.
Whether it's facing financial pressure with aplomb or satisfying you in the bedroom, men feel pressure to live up to society's definitions of masculinity. "Men often compare themselves to other people and to their own idealized definitions of what a masculine guy is all about," says Weiner-Davis. They feel like they need to measure up, and when they don't, "it's pretty scary for them."
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What woman in the thong bikini?
Sometime it's hard for a woman, let alone a man, to keep from looking at that bronzed beauty sunbathing on the beach. "It's part of human nature," says Furman. "We are all attracted to beauty. Most of the time we can't stop our own reactions when we're looking at women and men." When it comes to sexuality, men are not only more visually oriented, but they're also more likely to deny a wandering eye when confronted. "It's too bad," says Weiner-Davis. "It would be better if they would admit it and reassure their partners that it's just looking and isn't going to lead to a breach of trust."
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Honey, you have such superb driving skills I don't feel the need to wear a seatbelt.
Ladies: How many times have you gotten behind the wheel only to have to pull over blocks later to let him drive? "Across the board, all men secretly think that all women can't drive," says Furman. "It's a control issue, and it's hard to give that up." With that said, it really comes down to personality type. Even women have trouble giving up the wheel if they have a commanding, type A personality.
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Brad Pitt and George Clooney's movies are cinematic genius.
Really? I would think this one's a no-brainer, but here it goes. The only Brad Pitt movies a man would truly classify as cinematic genius are "Se7en" and "Fight Club." The only reason he can recite all the lines to "Legends of the Fall" and "Troy" is because he knows how much you like the, um, cinematography. See? We all tell little white lies once in awhile.
What puffy under-eye circles?
Men notice the lines on their face just as much as you do, even if they don't admit it. "Men are vain," says Weiner-Davis. So it's no wonder that the percentage of men who have had plastic surgery is up 17 percent from 2007, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. Surgical procedures, such as liposuction, eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, breast reduction and hair transplantation, increased 5 percent among men, while nonsurgical procedures, including Botox injections and laser hair removal, increased by 21 percent.
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I love wine and cheese night, too.
Most men would rather crack a cold one and watch the game in a ratty pair of sweatpants than go to your best friend's for fondue. Hey, that's okay. "If we were to marry our clones, life would be pretty boring," says Weiner-Davis. But that doesn't get men off the hook totally. "Good relationships are based on mutual caretaking," she says. Men and women need to take part in activities that interest their partners, even if it doesn't necessarily interest them. The key is being good-natured about it and really participating, no matter how many times you rescue a soggy bread-cube from Swiss cheese oblivion. "No sulking," she adds.
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I'm not hurt, just angry.
When a man throws a tantrum or storms out of the house, more often he's feeling hurt or dejected instead of feeling real anger. "Men have a whole lot easier time being angry and expressing anger than saying 'This hurts,'" says Weiner-Davis. "They feel far too vulnerable."
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I don't care what you think.
"Men really, really thrive on and need their partners' approval," says Weiner-Davis. They hate to be criticized or feel shame, especially when their wives aren't happy. "When you say 'We need to talk,' they feel shamed and blamed, because they really want to be doing right by their partners," she says.
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AOL Health: Do men cuddle just to appease their partners?
Kerner: Men enjoy nonsexual physical affection. We enjoy kissing and hugging. Men tend to get aroused quickly, so that often leads to a desire to have sex, but that doesn't mean we don’t want the emotional connection that comes with cuddling.
AOL Health: Then why don't they always want to cuddle after sex?
Kerner: It's funny. After you have sex, especially if you're in a long-term relationship, that's not always the time when a guy's looking to cuddle. He might have other things on his mind. He still has 20 emails to do for work before the end of the night or he's totally spent and exhausted. He's really happy, but it's time to go to sleep. It's more about appreciating that guys love to cuddle, just not always at the times that you would expect them to.
A lot of women get hung up on, "He doesn't' like to cuddle after sex, he just rolls over and starts snoring." There are other times where we might really want to cuddle. It could be when we're cozying up on the couch together, taking a walk through the park or just a spontaneous hug that can just happen in the middle of the afternoon. But guys definitely do care and appreciate the emotional connection that comes with cuddling.
AOL Health: Should women be concerned if their husbands watch porn?
Kerner: A lot of women get freaked out because they know guys masturbate and they're into porn. In most cases women shouldn't get bent out of shape. In fact, A) We really prefer being with an actual woman. B) We prefer being with you and C) as a sex therapist, I have talked to hundreds of men about what they fantasize about when [they're masturbating]. Very often they fantasize to thoughts of the woman that they're with or to hot sexual memories of being with her. It's important to know that we think you're hot, and you're still the one we fantasize about, and we'll pick you over an airbrushed, silicone-implanted porn star.
AOL Health: If a woman needs to be reassured that her significant other still finds her sexually attractive, how should she approach him?
Kerner: Most guys don't want to be embarrassed or confronted. Try to make sex talk sexy. If he's pretty open and upfront about porn, try asking, "are those girls so much sexier than me?" Generally what you're going to get is a guy who's a little flustered because he's just going to say, "don't worry about it, you still look sexy to me." Ninety-nine percent of the time that's true.
AOL Health: What do men really think about relationship routines?
Kerner: Routines are boring. Routines are claustrophobic. Routines make us men feel like we're not living a passionate life. Routines make us feel like we're in prison, and you shouldn't be a prison guard. It's not your fault, but that's what relationships become about -- responsibility, predictability. It's easy to feel claustrophobic, pent up and penned in, and sometimes we take it out on you, so don't be our guard be our liberator.
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Recent Comments
NicholasDonovan 11:37:04 AM Mar 30 2009
Wow... I can't decide who is more immature here the women who are writing talk-backs regarding the story or the original author. Essentially, this is a story that basically is an anti-male slam but somehow so many women have such low self esteem they have to portray themselves as victims even when it's an anti-male story! Wow.... no wonder my fellow medical students who are on their psych rotation are busy. Pick one ladies... either victim or victor. You can't be both.Wow.... (Shaking my head and hoping to find out that I'm in a parallel universe after my morning coffee.... )
Toyanwitya 02:26:01 AM Mar 30 2009
Guess I kind of set the author of this article straight now didn't I??? lol
Toyanwitya 02:25:23 AM Mar 30 2009
Guess I set this article straight now didn't I??? lol
Toyanwitya 02:17:47 AM Mar 30 2009
Oh yeah girls ... for some reason there are still guys that think women aren't totally into checking out men every minute of the day!! Can you believe that?? Funny thing is they don't really realize that us women know how to let them feel like they are the one and only... pffft Nice job girls. It's interesting when they actually write articles to train women on what to do while they enjoy their independence... how hilarious. As if when they trot out the door we aren't right behind them in a different direction ! <grins> Hey girls did you ever notice how men think that women don't fantasize about men, that sexy neighbor or the guy that sold you the new car right in front of your husband... knowing full well he was hitting on you while you're husband is sitting there going duh? Girls... you do such a good job of making the boys think they are "sex gods" that they are stunned when reality actually hits them. It's time you girls were on the up and up so these boys aren't so delusio
Toyanwitya 02:04:59 AM Mar 30 2009
Who really cares of their husbands go out??? Be a few steps behind him as he leaves and get out there with your own friends... Besides most of you are bored with your husbands after a year or so anyway so ... if they hug you after sex or take a long piss... who really cares??? They are simple the same ol thing over and over and it's not all that exciting anyway... check out the guys at the men's clothing store... there are some cuties near the mens cologne area as well and if you get the chance try stopping by the coed Gym and check out the bod's on those guys there... then tell me that you're worried about where your husband it... give it a try and you'll enjoy yourself.
Toyanwitya 02:00:50 AM Mar 30 2009
Also girls ... don't waste your time worrying about what you're husband does especially if he requires alot of independent time... when he takes off just have a great time fixing yourself up and put on the nicest outfit you have, put on that pretty face and those sexy heels and take off to spend some "independant time" yourself and watch how many heads you turn... it's always a blast. Don't worry about these silly articles that these guys write on what you should do to keep your man happy... how goofy, those days are over and obviously the one who wrote this one must be living in Leave it to Beaver land. Women you are in control... get out and have a good time and if your husbands are insisting on time without you... find someone to share your time with and perhaps he'll figure it out in time... ha ha
Toyanwitya 01:53:16 AM Mar 30 2009
Personally I think that all women should get some very sexually oriented magazines with pictures of men and lay them in their workout areas, also in the restroom and one by your bed and check out those nice looking, well built men every single day like we all know we like to do, for some reason these moron men think that us women are not fantasizing over these other guys with their six packs and those nice muscular arms. Secondly you girls need to get out with the rest of us girls and get rid of that penned up feeling that these men seem to like to induce, go on out and enjoy all that attention that the other men know how to give you and enjoy!!! It's always nice to get some genuine compliments without begging for them from someone who's been taking you for granted for way too long. Then after that you girls need to stop talking so much and keep as many secrets as possible... exercise and get your bodies in top notch shape so you don't have to ask how you look anymore... just know i
Thaykat 11:14:56 PM Mar 29 2009
Well I guess what is good for the gander should be good for the goose. I wonder how most guys would feel if their wifes or girlfriends insisted on nights out with the girls or just rolled over after sex and went to sleep or sat at the computer and watched porn and ignored them and of course masturbated with no need for them to be around or let them know that relationships were like being in prison and they were the prison guards. I mean seriously, how would the guys feel if this was an article about how women really felt?
Howey042768 10:11:39 PM Mar 29 2009
Im so sick of these stories! Why is it always about the guy???? THEY need time with friends THEY need time to blow of steam, THEY need everything.....How about us girls?????when do we get time for fun stuff???? Do guys really think the three minute sex makes up for him being round when he needs us????
